Lots of New, Lots of Doubt

            Goodness, it’s been so long since I’ve written! Maybe the urge to do so now is the result of the change in weather. Autumn is, after all, my favorite season, and the signs of its impending arrival have my skin and spidey-senses tingling. So much has happened so far this semester...where do I even begin?

            A couple of not so great things have come about. I realized, somewhat belatedly, that I am behind in credit hours, which translates into me needing to overload my last two semesters. While this isn’t my ideal situation, I trust in God’s provision to help me successfully get through it. I’ve also been dealing with a stubborn illness. I’m on my fourth round of Strep since June, with the last three rounds coming almost back-to-back in the last month. It’s been discouraging and frustrating, as well as downright inconvenient! But, praise the Lord, I am finally starting to feel better with this latest antibiotic. I just pray I continue to get better and heal, and stay healthy until December when I can get these blasted tonsils removed!

            Well that’s enough of the less-than-wonderful for now. I’m a silver lining kind of person (somewhat frustratingly so, I’ve been told before), so naturally I looked for them in these situations. Both have forced me to rely on the Lord, His provision and strength and, even though that isn’t always fun, it is a genuinely good thing.

            What I really want to talk about this go-around is identity. It’s popped up on my radar consistently this semester, and I have a feeling it will continue to. My college years have brought new people into my life at an astonishing rate, blessing me with new relationships as well as reconfiguring some old ones. I’ve recently started dating someone, and on top of all of that is the wonderful/terrifying experience of growing up (whatever that actually means). That’s a lot of new to process.

            How does all of that new influence who I am as a person? How does it impact my identity? Great questions. Confusing answers. I’ve learned a lot about myself because of the people who have entered my life…I’m a coffee addict, I love mornings but am actually a night owl, few things make me happier than receiving flowers, I appreciate thoughtfulness, being ignored may be the thing I hate the most, I love long conversations with the people I love…all of things I discovered through or because of my relationships with people very different from myself. I don’t actually have very many friends who are markedly similar to me. There are common interests and shared personality traits, but a host of important differences as well. I feel all the more blessed for that fact.

            But it hasn’t all been self-discovery. There has been a lot of self-doubt thrown in the mix, especially when my own opinions and feelings start to change. It’s easy for others, and even myself, to wonder if such changes are personal growth or the result of influence from the people in my life. Do I actually want to do this, or am I doing it because it’s something they like doing? Do I agree with that, or is it just easier than disagreeing? Sometimes such doubts are valid, and even if they aren’t the questions they raise can be constructive and inspire valuable self-evaluation.

            Often, however, those doubts can become things Satan exploits in order to breed more doubt and insecurity in my life. Instead of feeling secure in my relationship with someone, I start to doubt myself and the strength of our connection. I’m talking about friendships, romantic relationships, as well as relationships with family. Satan loves nothing more than to cause tension and division, and one of the easiest ways to do that is to take advantage of the doubts we have about our own identity.

            That’s why I’ve found it is so incredibly important to root my identity in the Lord and who HE says I am. Knowing what He has to say about my identity serves as a filter for all of the smaller stuff. My likes, dislikes and opinions may change, but as long as I am faithfully pursuing and obeying the Lord, I can remain confident that the core of who I am remains unchanged. I also have to remember how much I love the differences in my friends and family…I would be disappointed if they tried to alter themselves in order to become more like me! I love them because of who they are. Why do I doubt that they feel the same way about me?

            Identity is tricky. It’s constantly changing and adapting based on the people and experiences life throws our way. But that’s why it is wonderfully imperative that we maintain an intimate relationship with God. He fulfills our identity, is constantly transforming us into the person He always meant for us to be, the very best version of ourselves. If we listen He will guide us…grant us peace when we’re living as we should, allow feelings of discontent when we’re pretending to be something we’re not. How blessed are we! Identity is a complex road to navigate, but I’m lucky enough to walk hand-in-hand with my God who paves the way before me. 

Curves Ahead