Earthquakes & Aftershocks

I am a big fan of Taylor Swift. Say what you will about her voice, her music, her serial dating…girlfriend knows how to turn her complicated, abstract emotions into beautiful, articulate lyrics that speak to the soul of any girl who’s had her heart broken. I envy her that particular ability. I love to write (forgive me for stating what I hope is the obvious), but I find it almost impossible to properly describe my heartache. It seems too big, too complicated, too elusive to accurately put into words. But then tonight, sitting in bed, I had my Taylor Swift moment. I suddenly had the words.

It’s like an earthquake. It throws you off balance, disorients you, makes everything you thought was secure become terrifyingly flimsy. Everything you worked so hard to put together, all the details and order of your life, is thrown into disarray and chaos. For some people it only takes one earthquake before they move on in an attempt to find some place without tremors, where the earth doesn’t pull itself out from under them without warning. Others try to ride it out. They put everything, each picture frame, book and vase, back in its proper place. Some will take measures to protect themselves against future damage. Move to a safer building, buy a generator, keep bottled water handy. They know there will be future earthquakes, so they do their best to be prepared.

And then there are those of who have lived so long in the realm of earth-shattering days that we know the patterns well enough to avoid surprise…most of the time. We know to expect the aftershock. People think the earthquake is the scary part, and of course it is. Your world collapses, and you’re never sure until its over whether or not you’ll be able to put it back together. But what is even more terrifying is the idea of putting everything back in order, managing to feel secure and calm again, and being completely blind sighted by the aftershock. Suddenly you find yourself back in the shattered chaos, just when you thought you were safe again. But if you know it’s coming, it isn’t nearly as traumatic. If you know to expect another round of disorienting fear and pain, you can prepare yourself, and at the very least avoid the added pain of surprise.

Maybe you’re like me and have lived for years in an area prone to earthquakes…some so small you barely notice, others so big you look at the rubble and are unable to see the remnants of the past or any hope for the future. You become so accustomed to the sickeningly cyclical pattern of rebuilding, normality, and destruction that you forget there is any other kind of existence. Doesn’t everyone live this way? In a way we do. But there is a difference between those who experience the occasional, inevitable disaster, and those who choose to plant themselves in the middle of the danger zone.

So what do you do? Do you keep living in the danger zone? Or do you decide, finally, that enough is enough, pack up your life and leave the rubble behind? The world is never going to stop shaking, but anyone could tell you the fault lines aren’t suited to longevity. I’ve decided I’m moving away from the danger zone. I can’t live in a glass house built on a fault line and expect anything but shards and splinters. Maybe it’s possible to build an earthquake-proof house…but you can’t do it alone. I can’t do it alone. 
 

Lots of New, Lots of Doubt

            Goodness, it’s been so long since I’ve written! Maybe the urge to do so now is the result of the change in weather. Autumn is, after all, my favorite season, and the signs of its impending arrival have my skin and spidey-senses tingling. So much has happened so far this semester...where do I even begin?

            A couple of not so great things have come about. I realized, somewhat belatedly, that I am behind in credit hours, which translates into me needing to overload my last two semesters. While this isn’t my ideal situation, I trust in God’s provision to help me successfully get through it. I’ve also been dealing with a stubborn illness. I’m on my fourth round of Strep since June, with the last three rounds coming almost back-to-back in the last month. It’s been discouraging and frustrating, as well as downright inconvenient! But, praise the Lord, I am finally starting to feel better with this latest antibiotic. I just pray I continue to get better and heal, and stay healthy until December when I can get these blasted tonsils removed!

            Well that’s enough of the less-than-wonderful for now. I’m a silver lining kind of person (somewhat frustratingly so, I’ve been told before), so naturally I looked for them in these situations. Both have forced me to rely on the Lord, His provision and strength and, even though that isn’t always fun, it is a genuinely good thing.

            What I really want to talk about this go-around is identity. It’s popped up on my radar consistently this semester, and I have a feeling it will continue to. My college years have brought new people into my life at an astonishing rate, blessing me with new relationships as well as reconfiguring some old ones. I’ve recently started dating someone, and on top of all of that is the wonderful/terrifying experience of growing up (whatever that actually means). That’s a lot of new to process.

            How does all of that new influence who I am as a person? How does it impact my identity? Great questions. Confusing answers. I’ve learned a lot about myself because of the people who have entered my life…I’m a coffee addict, I love mornings but am actually a night owl, few things make me happier than receiving flowers, I appreciate thoughtfulness, being ignored may be the thing I hate the most, I love long conversations with the people I love…all of things I discovered through or because of my relationships with people very different from myself. I don’t actually have very many friends who are markedly similar to me. There are common interests and shared personality traits, but a host of important differences as well. I feel all the more blessed for that fact.

            But it hasn’t all been self-discovery. There has been a lot of self-doubt thrown in the mix, especially when my own opinions and feelings start to change. It’s easy for others, and even myself, to wonder if such changes are personal growth or the result of influence from the people in my life. Do I actually want to do this, or am I doing it because it’s something they like doing? Do I agree with that, or is it just easier than disagreeing? Sometimes such doubts are valid, and even if they aren’t the questions they raise can be constructive and inspire valuable self-evaluation.

            Often, however, those doubts can become things Satan exploits in order to breed more doubt and insecurity in my life. Instead of feeling secure in my relationship with someone, I start to doubt myself and the strength of our connection. I’m talking about friendships, romantic relationships, as well as relationships with family. Satan loves nothing more than to cause tension and division, and one of the easiest ways to do that is to take advantage of the doubts we have about our own identity.

            That’s why I’ve found it is so incredibly important to root my identity in the Lord and who HE says I am. Knowing what He has to say about my identity serves as a filter for all of the smaller stuff. My likes, dislikes and opinions may change, but as long as I am faithfully pursuing and obeying the Lord, I can remain confident that the core of who I am remains unchanged. I also have to remember how much I love the differences in my friends and family…I would be disappointed if they tried to alter themselves in order to become more like me! I love them because of who they are. Why do I doubt that they feel the same way about me?

            Identity is tricky. It’s constantly changing and adapting based on the people and experiences life throws our way. But that’s why it is wonderfully imperative that we maintain an intimate relationship with God. He fulfills our identity, is constantly transforming us into the person He always meant for us to be, the very best version of ourselves. If we listen He will guide us…grant us peace when we’re living as we should, allow feelings of discontent when we’re pretending to be something we’re not. How blessed are we! Identity is a complex road to navigate, but I’m lucky enough to walk hand-in-hand with my God who paves the way before me. 

Curves Ahead

A Flawed Pursuit

I ran across the phrase “a flawed and imperfect pursuit” in my Bible study this morning, and it stuck with me. The study this week is, fittingly, over Sarah. I’m starting to think I share more with her than a name. She had control issues, liked to take things into her own hands, loved the Lord but often doubted His power…hers was a dedicated pursuit, but a flawed one. Oh yes, I share quite a bit with my namesake.

For most of my life I have been the ‘good girl’, making the right choices and doing what I should. It was a title I was proud of, until it started to chafe. The past few years, I’ve realized, have been a precarious balancing act between wanting to continue being the ‘good girl’ with a heart for the Lord, and wanting to prove that there’s more to me, that I can be just like everyone else and make bad decisions and mistakes. Talk about a flawed pursuit.

The wonderful thing about it is I’m not the only one doing the pursuing. My Savior, my Jesus, pursued me perfectly and wonderfully and saved my soul. My Father is in constant pursuit, through His Holy Spirit, of my whole heart. So while my pursuit is flawed and imperfect, His is perfect. He could change my heart instantaneously, put an end to the balancing game once and for all, but instead He chooses to lead me through the process of gradual transformation. When I fall or wander off and my pursuit starts to sputter, He meets me and draws me in again. Isn’t that amazing? In order that we might pursue Him better, God pursues us.

Ultimately it’s reassuring to know that my pursuit of God is actually a journey I take with Him. His mercies are new every morning and His Spirit is always with me, guiding me. The journey hasn’t always been, and won’t always be, smooth and without its troubles. But I know where it will leave me. I will end up in the loving arms of the God who moved heaven and earth to save me, who died so all the flaws could be left behind. What an incredible pursuit.

Changes

            It’s that time of year again (for some of us anyway)…graduation! Even those of us who aren’t walking across a stage feel a sense of change around this time. Some part of the routine we’ve spent the last year building is now going to change. I’m thankful for the fairly nontraditional college experience I’ve had (two colleges in different states, studying abroad in two countries) because it’s made me a little less susceptible to the stress and anxiety that usually accompanies major change. Here are the valuable lessons God has taught me about change in the past three years…

            #1. Our countdown is not the same as God’s. We think of countdowns in terms of the next big event happening in our lives…3 weeks until graduation, 2 months until the wedding, just a few more days until see each other again. But God’s countdown is so much bigger! His plans don’t end and begin anew with each new milestone in our lives…it’s all the same plan for Him! That is so immense a thought I can’t really grasp it, and yet I find incredible comfort in it. And you should, too.

            #2. If there is an end, there is also a beginning just around the corner. We tend to focus so much on what we’re losing, and forget to anticipate all the new and wonderful things God is about to bring into our lives. We don’t like to let go of dreams, or the things that make us feel comfortable, but if we can figure out how to we’ll be much more ready for whatever God has planned next.

            #3. Don’t get too caught up in missing or anticipating. When we focus too much on mourning what we’ve lost, or guessing what the next step will be, we miss the things we should be savoring in the moment. Let’s be honest, one of the best parts about making a cake is sneaking tastes of the batter. So appreciate the ingredients and anticipate the finished product, but be sure to savor the batter too. The end result will taste so much sweeter if you do.

            These are the lessons that God has taught me, but I still struggle with them. Patience is not something I have in spades, so waiting on God and His timing can be extremely difficult at times. But He has been so faithful in teaching me these lessons through experiences, and looking back on the past three years there is no way I can doubt their truth and His goodness is fulfilling them. So for everyone going through a season of change…savor it and look for the lessons God’s teaching you. I promise they’re there.

Who knows where the path leads...

Bigger & Better

You can do good...

 Here’s the thing: an imagination is a terrible thing to waste, but it can also be a royal pain in the ass.

As previously mentioned, I devour books like a toddler downs candy on Halloween. I get lost in the pages of dialogue, adventure and far-away places. I fall in love with characters, laugh with them and cry for them. When I write, I write as if uncovering a story and getting to know the characters, not as if I’m making it all up.

When I dream of something, I tend to dream pretty big. Tilden and I have this thing we call “dream-scheming”. The dream is outrageous enough to be completely unrealistic, but just for funsies we think of completely rational ways in which it could come true anyway. I am a pro at dream-scheming.

As you’ve read, however, such a well-developed imagination can be an enormous pain in the ass. It leads to expectations, and those often lead to disappointment. Disappointment leads to disillusion, which forces us right back into imagination’s arms. We never really learn…it’s a vicious cycle.

But here’s something God has been teaching me: He’s the one that gave me my imagination; He created it. Anything I come up with in this puny little head of mine, He can outdo faster than you can say, “I’m engaged to Jake Gyllenhaal” (if only). When I look back, though things might not have played out like I imagined, I wouldn’t change a thing.

You see, my dreams and schemes have a very narrow scope. I think of me, my life, one event, one lifetime…God things big and eternal. His plans involve everyone, every life, all events, and eternity. So while my musings on how exactly I’m gonna get that proposal from Mr. Gyllenhaal may be fabulous, they’re so incredibly narrow. It’s like trying to plan a cross-country road trip with a map of only one city.

Dreams are wonderful, and an imagination truly is a terrible thing to waste. But our unlimited, unbound imaginations are undeniably limited and bound when compared to the ultimate creative mind…God’s. So dream and imagine, friends, and then watch as God puts all your plans to shame with something even greater.

...but God can do way better.